


Cro-Magnon Men (For a Day)

by kho



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Cavemen, Crack, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 14:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6083433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kho/pseuds/kho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Total complete crack... total and utter complete crack... Steve and Danny turn into cavemen for a day.  Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cro-Magnon Men (For a Day)

So Danny and Steve turn into cavemen one day. No, not the metaphorical, oh get a room already, whip out your dick and get the tape measure out kind of cavemen. Actual cavemen. As in Cro-Magnon. As in the first humans who roamed the Earth. As in the men who, ya know, dwelled in caves.

As in, actual fucking CAVEMEN.

As in Steve grunts and hits Danny on the shoulder, who then grunts and knocks Steve over on his ass on the floor and grunts again and hits his own chest twice and grunts a third time before hitting Steve on the arm.

To which, Steve just laughs and bounces up and hits Danny in the arm again with what could only be called a ridiculously affectionate grunt. It’s amusing, to Kono anyway, that while Danny hits with all his might, Steve only uses half of his force. She’s sparred with the man, she knows when he’s pulling his punches.

“I don’t even.”

“Yeah.”

Kono blinks, folding her arms over her chest. “I mean, I can’t even.”

Chin grins next to her. “Yup.”

The thing is, it hadn’t even been all that readily obvious at first. Danny pre-coffee is pretty grunt-ish anyway, and Steve in a foul mood is too, so it’s really not Kono and Chin’s fault that they didn’t notice for three full hours.

Until Danny came over to Kono, buried his nose in her hair, grunted at her, and then ran his fingers through it ever so gently for at least three minutes before shoving her head away as he turned to do the exact same thing to Chin.

“What the…”

And then Danny went into Steve’s office, sat on the floor in front of him, smacked the crap out of Steve’s legs to get his attention, and then smiled blissfully as Steve sifted through his hair, sniffing and sifting, sniffing and sifting.

“Oh holy fuck it’s like Animal Planet,” Kono says finally, smacking Chin. “Like monkeys, he’s grooming him!”

Chin frowns. “I suppose we should be thankful he’s not eating whatever he finds in Danny’s hair.”

Kono shivers. “Ew.”

The scary part is when they get a call and before Kono and Chin can completely wrap their heads around how horribly horrifically of a bad idea this is, Danny and Steve have run to Danny’s car and taken off toward the scene with minimal grunts and hits.

Though Steve does smack Chin upside the head on the way out, which Chin did not appreciate even if Kono did.

They get to the scene in time to see Danny jumping on top of a man and holding his arms back as Steve handcuffs him, and then Steve hauling him up and presenting him to Danny with a proud smile.

Steve grunts.

Danny grunts and hits him.

Steve grins.

Danny grabs the perp by his collar and hauls him up close to his face. “Silent! Right! Remain!”

Steve nods and jerks the perp back to him. “Attorney!” Steve then grins the biggest widest most ridiculous smile and shoves the perp at Danny. “Danno!”

Danny punches Steve in the stomach.

Chin and Kono shake their heads and take the perp off their hands and begin begging with them to please, please go back to the office. Surprisingly they do.

The problem is that when Kono and Chin get back to the office, Steve is fucking Danny over his desk and Danny is incredibly loud and Kono turns around in horror and buries her head in Chin’s chest. “Oh, cuz. I need bleach.”

“I sincerely hope that is not the first time they have done this,” Chin says, flinching as the desk moves across the floor loudly. “Because if so… Ow.”

Ten minutes later, after they’re done and Steve has licked Danny clean (yes okay, Kono watched, she couldn’t help it, they were both really ridiculously good looking) Steve comes racing out of the office, sans pants, and tackle hugs Chin.

“Oh, brah, really,” Chin says, covering his face and trying to pry Steve off of him.

Danny comes barreling out of the office, thankfully fully clothed, and yanks Steve off of Chin, throws him to the ground, hits him in the shoulder, and throws pants at him. “Naked no,” he yells, and then comes over to Kono and covers her eyes. “Kono.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” Kono says, grinning. “But I saw what you were doing with that hand a couple minutes ago and I know you didn’t wash, so ya know… Please kindly extract your filthy paw from my face before I kick your ass?”

Danny does and then reaches over and places a hand over her chest where her heart is. “Mine,” he says.

“Okay, caveman Danny is a cupcake,” Kono says, grinning at Chin as Danny walks over to the sink and starts washing his hands. “Like an actual cupcake, with pink frosting. And sprinkles.”

Steve is sitting dejected on the floor, pouting and staring down at his pants, which are still in his hands. “Put your pants on, Steve, come on, you can do it,” Chin is saying, miming putting them on. “One leg at a time, brah.”

He looks up at Kono and points at Danny. “Mine?” His lips poke out in a pout.

Kono puts her hand over her heart. “Oh wow, two cupcakes. Yes, Steve, Danny’s yours. Danny just means he loves me like a sister.”

“Sister,” Danny says, punching Kono on the arm (gently, she knows when he’s holding back too) and then punching Chin. “Brother.” He kicks Steve in the shin. “Neanderthal animal.”

“Oh, irony, you are so beautiful,” Chin says, rolling his eyes to the sky as Steve stands and starts pulling on his pants. “How is this our lives?”

Danny leans up and pulls Steve down into a kiss, and then smiles up at him. He nods. “Always mine.”

Steve cups his cheek. “My Danno.”

“Going to puke,” Kono says. “You know, Danny, if ya’ll get over this virus whatever thing you have that’s making you two idiots act like this, you are going to be so so so pissed at how you’re behaving.”

Danny tilts his head at her. “Virus.” He blinks and snaps his fingers. “Coffee!”

Kono frowns at Chin. “I’m not sure coffee is going to help here.”

Danny comes back in with the coffee he’d walked in with this morning and shoves it at Kono. “Taste bad!”

Steve begins nodding and runs into his office and brings his cup out too. “Bad!”

“Ohhh,” Chin says, and bags them and runs them down to Fong.

And basically what it boils down to is that they weren’t in fact cavemen for a day, they were high on the coffee equivalent of bath salts, and they enjoyed the hell out of the chase and subsequent takedown of the owners of Trippy Drippy Coffee where Steve had stopped that morning.

“Caffeine,” Danny yells into the face of one of the brothers. “Not amphetamines!”

Steve nods and punches the other brother in the face. “No, no, bad!”

“Bad, bad, bad,” Danny says, punching the brother he was holding as well. “Bad!”

“Like seriously dude, the name of the shop is Trippy Drippy Coffee brah, what did you think you were getting, duh,” Steve’s guy says.

“Yeah, duh,” Danny’s guy says.

Chin books them and Kono points a finger in Steve and Danny’s faces. “No humping!” They pout at her. “Okay, ya’ll can hump, but can you go home and do it? And sleep off the drugs while you’re at it.”

Steve grins and kisses Kono on the cheek. Danny swats her on the ass.

When they come in the next morning they don’t look either of them in the eye and Steve apologizes profusely for their poor behavior. Danny shuffles his feet and says, “Did I really sniff your hair?”

“And his,” Kono says, gesturing to Chin.

Chin grins as Danny blushes. “S’alright, brah. I’m honored you wanted to groom me.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Danny grits out, covering his face. “I am going to kill you, Steven! You never ever get to pick the coffee place again!”

“Yes please never do again,” Kono says, gesturing to Danny’s office. “Your desk can’t take the abuse.”

“Yeah,” Steve says, scratching the back of his neck. “So uh. Danny and I.”

“Yeah, we’re getting that,” Chin says, grinning from ear to ear.

“Been there,” Kono says, holding up her hands. “Saw that.”

“Took a picture,” Chin says.

And that gets them to look up, simultaneously, in horror.

Chin laughs. “Knew that would get you to look at me. Don’t worry, no pictures.”

“Just memories,” Kono says, grinning. “Fond, dirty, bare-ass-naked memories. With lots of sound effects.”

Danny sinks to the floor. “Kill me,” he moans. “Just let me die now.”

But the phone rings, and it’s off to save the day yet again.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr here under [@lovethesnark](http://lovethesnark.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Fanfiction Website  
> MOST of my fic is not on AO3, though all of my H5O and beyond is as AO3 didn't exist yet and it was too much to archive. It can be found on my website at [LoveTheSnark.com](http://www.lovethesnark.com).


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